Why it Kicks Ass: Attic Clowns by Jeremy C. Shipp!

Clowns never really were
funny, weren't they?

Keeping in touch with my horror roots, I decided some time ago to rekindle my fondness of evil clowns. The original obsession with this type of monster had nothing to do with Stephen King's iconic translation of the theme; I just don't like clowns. I don't get them. Honestly, why would anyone think that children would like to see some guy in oversized dungarees with a parody of a human face... for a face! How can this be anything BUT horrifying to any kid? Therefore, in my view all clowns are evil, even the ones that cry.

So, coming back to my original point. Lately I've been seeing a lot about this writer who apparently ran off four (4!) volumes of clown horror stories. Not wanting to run the chance of encountering a 'too much of a good thing' sort of situation, I just ordered the first volume from RedRumHorror (again with the Stephen King, see?)

The book contains 13 stories (of course) of varying lengths, but all of them deal with clowns and/or attics, although the whole gamma of horror creatures makes an appearance (living soap men, for example). Now, here's the kicker: none of them actually deal with clowns in the traditional sense! AND THAT'S JUST WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT THEM!

At this point I'd like to remind you that the 'Why it Kicks Ass' section of Floating Robes is NOT a review section. I'd just like to explain why I think this book kicks the proverbial ass.

Having said that, none of the stories are actually horror, none will give you nightmares unless you're like me and have an inborn fear of going crazy. The clowns in the stories are often representations of fears, personas, complexes or other psychological phenomana in the mind of the protagonist. Jeremy C. Shipp created with this a map, if you will, of the dark side of the human mind! With evil clowns!

For example, take the story of the man stuck in the attic with a dead clown (called A Quivering Gray Fog). There's a hole in the floor which leads to Hell. And there are a bunch of photographs on the desk which depict the same photograph. Every night, our protagonist takes a photo of the photo. On the original we'll probably see why he's here and what is going on, but by now the photo of the photo of the photo is so far removed from the original that it's hard to figure out. Well, without giving away the plot, the solution involves an underling demon who feasts on human feet.

Without getting to pretentious (or maybe it's too late) the man obviously feels guilty about something and the dead body probably has something to do with it. He feels he's halfway down to Hell and furiously tries to find out what he did wrong and why he's there. The story eminates an array of loneliness, guilt and confusion with not only redemption at the end, but also an overwhelming sense of human foolishness.

As you can tell, the stories are mostly bizarre and weird and certainly not for people who like to hang on to horror in the traditional sense. There'll be a lot of people who 'just don't get it'. But to anyone with an interest in psychology (like all horror writers should have, I'm sure), the stories are just great!

Mr. Shipp's style is terse and almost without any adjectives which makes the stories even more tense and gloomy than they would be otherwise. An ironic sense of humour surrounds most of the stories although I never found myself laughing out loud. Reading the book puts the reader in a strange mood, though, and I found it hard to shake the type of thinking that this kind of writing instills in the reader. Even now, long after I've read the book, I still think about it, much like I do with some of the classics I used to read when I was younger. I guess that means that Mr. Shipp has created some sort of post-modern clown punk horror classic or something!

Okay, so now he's got me rambling about it. If you haven't read the book and are into some weird stuff, go buy it. If you like your vampires sparkling, please forego this one. If you've read the book and 'just didn't get it', re-read it and remember 'It's all in your head!'

Marcel

Mr. Shipp's Blog
To the Book!

Sgt. Tough says: if you can still scream, it ain't so BAD!

Bunch of whining
maggots! Get your
garlic and stakes
in gear!
NOW!

OH MAN! THESE GUYS ARE TOO MUCH! FRICKING WHINO'S ALL THE TIME. It's all I ever see! Sent one vampire or zombie their way and all they can do is sulk and moan about their miserable existence and their bad luck!

Before long they're hauled up in some abandoned farm or shopping mall, trying to act like nothing happened while the world in falling apart around them. ARGH! I would grab them sons-of-mothers and SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS! I didn't go through three wars and five minor conflicts to be bitten by one of these walking casualties!

I'd take my AK-47 and give them a good talking-to! Then I'd light me up one of my Cubans and wash my sweaty face in their BLOOD! That's what I would do! Like the man said: "I came to kick-ass and chew bubblegum! And I'm all out of bubblegum!"

And the same goes for these mother-kissing VAMPIRES! What is this with their angelic faces and good manners? THEY'RE EVIL BLOODSUCKERS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Now they're even sweet-talking our girls? What's the world coming to, I wonder.

If one of those would come up to my daughter and dare to make a pass at her, I'd show him who's boss. Maybe my trusty AK-47 won't work. And I don't go in for no hoity-toity crucifix or garlic, neither. A quick Bowie-knife straight through the heart would do the trick nicely, I'm sure. One for him and one for every member of his ancient, evil family! HAHAHA!

You know, men! This all reminds of the time I was sent behind enemy lines to enter this castle where they were doing God-knows-what. Had something to do with piecing together a human from corpses or something disgusting like that! I remember the kite high above the spiky tower and the whole score of monsters that came at me as I went up the spiral staircase. I could hear the demented laughter of the hunchback:
"He's coming, master, quickly now!"

Well, I gave them what was coming to them! Let him know who's BOSS. That's right! Mr. Tough isn't scared of nobody. Knee-deep in the dead I was and I still managed to KNOCK THEM DOWN! When I was through with them, there was NO CASTLE NO MORE! And as I swung to safety to the nearby treeline I could still hear the last thing that hunchback was saying:
"It's alive! ALIVE!"

Sometimes I still wake up screaming, hearing that. But I got the JOB DONE! And that's what counts!

So don't be a whining maggot, tough up, and make sure you're packing heat. If all else fails, shoot everyone and ask questions later. Let the good Lord sort them out, is what I always say!

Good Hunting!


Sgt. Tough!

10 tips for the Successful Integration of Zombies in Human Society!

Ehm, hello? ... Is this things on...? Yes? Okay, there we go?

My fellow zombies, in the past year we clawed our way out of our earthy graves. We've stumbled across this world, looking for food, and our numbers have grown exponentially. And we can be proud of that. 

They may say we're mindless and, honestly, sometimes I look at us, and I think they're right. Our torn clothes and vacant stares certainly seemed to suggest that. And sometimes we aren't always as eloquent as we'd like to be. So for a successful coexistence of humans and zombies, we need to clean up our act. This is tantamount to our integration in normal society, people. So here are some tips:

1) Wear clean clothes. Don't stumble around this world in the same clothes you died in or even the same ones you wore yesterday! The bloodstains are horrible to look at and brains are really hard to get out in the wash. Besides, they smell. A new set of clothes might also help you cover up that nasty gun-shot wound in your belly.


2) Wash yourselves. Even if it's a little dip in the brook or even standing out in the rain. A little water never killed anyone. And while you're at it, take pride in your appearance. Use a comb every now and again, wipe that blood from your chin, use some make-up to hide those skin ruptures and pick the pieces of brain from your teeth. Honestly, it's disgusting sometimes. 

3) Help a fellow zombie. A society is judged by the way they take care of those less fortunate. If his legs are cut off with a chainsaw or he has a big hole in his chest from a shotgun, don't leave him there in the streets. Help him back on his feet, if he still has them. If he doesn't, ask him where he wants to go and carry them there. But always remember, one day it could be you laying there.

4) When conversing with humans, speak their language. Or at least try to. I've always found that people are more willing to speak to you if you speak at least a couple of words in their language. You will not get what you want by hollering 'brains, brains, brains!' all the time.

5) Be gentle, sometimes. Our appearance is off-putting as it is, even without throwing rudeness in the mix. So when you see an old lady trying to cross the street, don't crack her head open like a ripe melon and eat her brains. Help her. And maybe next time, they won't come after you with a hunting rifle. A little friendliness goes a long way.

6) Don't loiter out in the streets. We're not vagabonds, for crying out loud! Especially after dark. Find a house to relax in. There's enough empty ones out there since we came out. So why not try it for a change? Sit in a chair, kick your feet up, try the TV-thing, they seem to like it.

7) Clean up your mess, people, I can't stress this enough. People don't like to see their next of kin laying dead in the streets for weeks on end, all chewed up and spat out. They might be just food to you, but humans have feelings too. So be a little considerate and get them out of sight. As a functioning part of society, it's our job as well to keep the streets clean.

8) Find the evil ones. This'll take some time, but I really want you to try and put the effort in. Humans come in all shapes and sizes and some of them are more evil than a pack of starving vampires! Find those, hunt them down and eat their brains. People will thank you for it afterwards. And their brains are more juicier too.

9) Don't smudge the windows. Clawing and scratching won't help you get into a house and it might give off the wrong signal. Instead, wait patiently. If they are ready to come out, they will. People put a lot of pride in their house and smudging the windows or banging the doors constantly, might get them upset.

10) Try to have a decent conversation with each other. Reach out and touch a fellow zombie. This is two-fold. First of all, people seemed to be put off by guttural sounds or vacant, silent stares. Second, you might learn something useful. Humans have survived for thousands of years and have found countless ways to communicate with each other. Why not start with a simple 'How do you do?'

For the rest, we all hope you have a prosperous 2011. I hope you will apply some of these tips, if not all of them, in your day to day exploits. From all of us here at Zombie HQ, we wish you a happy new year and remember to stay away from the guy with the sniper rifle!

'Lloyd and the Bear'

Browsing around the web we found this little gem. It's the story of a boy and his bear - IN SPACE!
The story is about Lloyd and his bear who are captured and send off into space. As it turns out the bear is also an alien and together they have some wild adventures.

Not just a cool concept, but Gibson Grey manages to keep Lloyd cute while the bear kicks ass fighting all sorts of evil aliens. The drawings in the first issue are a bit crude, but it picks up from the second issue. Although currently working on the 4th issue, we hope there will be many more issues to follow.

Start reading right here:

Open publication - Free publishing - More sketch