Frustrated Vampire: We do NOT sparkle!

Frustrated Vampire says:
"WE DO NOT SPARKLE"

Hello yes? Are we good?

Okay, here we go.

So for generations on end us, vampires, have struck fear in the hearts of man! From the cold, wind-swept mountain tops of Transylvania until the exciting and bustling New World. And our encounters with the human world have been well documented. Personally, I've always loved to watch us lay waste to your kind! Even though the most documented cases you have are the ones where you always out-smart us. The pox on garlic and sunlight, I say!

But recently I've found, my race has been shown in a different light. Portraying us as lovely and courageous little creatures that won't immediately suck the life out of all the young ladies we meet. For crying out loud, we look like blobbering little teenagers!

Well, let me assure you, after a few hundred years of watching you mocking this planet up and fighting wars, you loose some of your sentimentality. We understand full well that we were put on God's green earth for one reason and one reason only: TO FEED OFF YOU!

And here and there might flare up some over-extravagant specimen of my race, donning a black cape and living in a fancy, albeit out of the way, piece of real estate, BUT even he understood that when the rumbling starts in the belly, you better stuff yourself with warm, pumping blood!

And so, let me set some things straight!

- We are not lovable!

- We don't care if you fall in love, we'll still eat ya'!

- We don't eat human food!

- We do not have children!

- We have no issues what-so-ever with drinking every drop of your delicious blood!

- We do not jump trees like some monkey!

- And worst of all, we DO NOT SPARKLE!

Believe me, people, sunlight is a direct threat to out existence and it should not be mocked! Soon you people won't even be afraid of us anymore! We already have scores of teenage girls clammering for our attention...

...and I got to say, thank you for that!

But still, I call upon the good people of Hollywood, USA to come up with more believeable vampires and soon...

On behave of vampires everywhere, thank you and sleep tight!

Cool to be Ghoul!

Fancy Ghoul says: we are
just as good as zombies!

Yes, well, there you have it! A trizillion movies made about zombies and exactly how many are there featuring GHOULS?! I bet you could count them on one hand!

See, that really pisses me off! What makes those blundering, would-be-our-food-if-they-just-stayed-dead's so much better than us! Just because we don't actually KILL you, we are not worthy of your time? That's just not right... I'm sorry.

Didn't know that, did you? Well let me fill you in:

1) Food doesn't run. This must be one of the blessings of being a ghoul. You see those poor zombie-schmucks trying toget their hands on a delicate piece of liver that's ten times faster then they are. Well, none of that for us. We like our food fresh, but no longer breathing. In fact, if you'd be so kind to bury your loved ones au filet, we'd be most appreciative. 

2) Always a home. Most of us just like hanging around dungeons, graveyards, abandoned churches and all those nice places that you people avoid anyway. We don't like people coming up into our faces, so we stay out of yours. Apart from some property developer coming by every ten years or so, that is.

3) Fancy talking. As you may have gathered from this little rant, yes, sir, we're actually quite coherent in our verbal communication, thank you very much! None of that 'Brains, brains'-stuff all the time. No, sir, anyone can come up and have a decent conversation with us. It's just... no one ever does...

4) Shape shifting. What? It's been known to happen. Ever read Thousand-and-One-Nights? No? So shut up!

5) No picky eaters. Yes, the most important aspect of ghoul-ism is the fact that we simply get to a graveyard and dig in. We're no picky eaters. We don't need our food to be alive in order to enjoy a good piece of skin. Dried or otherwise, it's all good with us.

6) No biting. Come one, why would we? You're still breathing, aren't you?

7) Just death. And if you do get bitten by one us (you weren't up to any good in the first place, were you?) you don't turn into one of us. Nope, you just die. Great, all the more for us to eat.

Yummy!

8) We don't multiply like rabbits. Ahem, that might need a bit of explaining. We are made during in extensive and intricate ritual than just emerged from the left-over pieces from someone else's meal. We are not just humans that died! No, it takes a witch with considerable skill to come up with one of US. So, put that in your pipe and smoke it!

9) Never alone. No Saturday night goes by unnoticed for us. We always dig up a date somewhere.

10) Fire. Ai, you got us there. We hate the sight, sound and smell of fire, so keep it very far away from us, if you please. I guess we're just smarter than the zombies on that one. They would just blunder into it, mindless lemmings as they are! Pwah!

And those are just some of the reasons why ghouls are better than zombies! So next time you come to make out at an abandoned cemetery, please have some consideration. Don't disturb us during our lunch with your endless yelling and screaming, and for the love of... something... please don't bash us over the head. We might just have to kill you!

Image by Tendonitis Games!

Just plain cool wedding cakes, but I don't think my girlfriend agrees...

Well, those of you who know me a little better (or cared to read my bio) will know that I'm currently planning my wedding. That is, my girlfriend is planning the wedding and I just... well...

Anyhoo, we came across some wedding cakes that were really awesome. Unfortunately, none of them will be chosen, but I thought they'd go nicely right here...

Enjoy!

Sample Time: My new audio story 'The Art of Bullying'

Ah.. we all remember this,
don't we? Either one way
or the other...

'The Art of Bullying' is a short story dealing with Eddy the Slayer. He's a high school bully who never really got out of his evil ways. When one night he's stabbed on his way home, he's transported up to Purgatory where he learns exactly what his life of picking on the little guy has earned him...

The story itself earned me an honourable mention in the Lucid Hills Spring Contest. Not too long ago I recorded it with stand-up comedian David Popper one Saturday afternoon. And soon it will be up on Floating Robes in it's entirety for all to enjoy!

Care for some publicity? Submit your story! Win a book!

...or at least a chance to show
what you can do!

For those of you checking my blog regularly, you have noticed the publication I did of Harris Tobias' excellent story 'Owl Head Lake'. If you've missed it, click here!

I'd like to make this a regular thing. So here's A CALL TO ALL TRULY CREATIVE WRITERS! I'll be looking for short stories or flash fiction with roots in horror and/or fantasy. That also means subgenres like urban horror, urban fantasy, dark fantasy, magic realism and everything else that falls into the cracks.

This could mean a BIT OF TRAFFIC to your blog, a chance of GETTING YOUR NAME OUT THERE or just nice to GET SOME ATTENTION.

No strings attached, stories will be offered for free reading and I'll do some editing where needed. So take that story that's been sitting on your shelf for a while, dust it off and send it over. Publication will also mean a small feature, so tell me a bit about yourself and add a link to your blog or site.

The five best submissions will be WINNING A FREE COPY of my short story collection 'Beneath Dark Waters'! If you're one of them I will e-mail you at once!

Submissions can be made to info<at>floatingrobes.com!

Hope to see you all there and don't forget to keep writing!

Marcel