July 9, 2011

The highly inspirational, but blatantly superfluous speech of Sgt. Tough!

You bunch of whining maggots!
Okay, listen up, you bunch of nagging maggots! Gather around, take a knee. That means you too, Jenkins! Stop fiddling around with the crossbows. You're gonna shoot yourself in the foot if you keep that up!

Men, I know things look bad right now and I bet you'd like to be at home with the warm fireplace and your mom baking one of her warm apple pies, but instead we're stuck in this dark and evil forest with those monsters! SO SUCK IT UP!

These fricking monsters have been going at us for the last week or so and so far we've kept them at bay and fully intend to keep it that way! We've taken this hill and we're going to keep it! Some fine men died taking it and I for one are going to honour their memory!

So when we see one of those bloodsuckers coming our way, we're going to aim our crossbows and sent them straight back to the hot place where they came from! We're not going to whine and we're not going to nag! Johnson, even with one arm you can still fire a crossbow! Jenkins, help him load it and do it fast. I know he's only got one eye, but he's still the best damn shot we've got.

So men, keep looking for the skies, keep an eye on every dark shadow and look behind every tree and rock you can find. If you see two of their red, shiny eyes, put a silver-tipped arrow right between it. DID YOU HEAR ME, JENKINS?!

Men, I'd like to tell you that all of us are getting out of here, but to be honest, I don't know! I'm not going to lie to you! But I don't care if they bite you on the neck, tear out the flesh from your sides or cut the legs right from under you. I want every man with a working trigger finger on the ready! As long as you can scream, you're not dead yet! ARE YOU WITH ME?!

Sshhhh, what's that over there?

Jenkins, take the crossbow, move Johnson towards the trees. Smith, stop staring at your feet! Porky, move your fat body towards that treeline over there. Their a-coming, boys, this is it. Jenkins, didn't I tell you to stop fiddling around with the crossbow? Jenkins... JENKINS!

Jenkins, what's wrong with your eyes... their all red and shiny! This way they'll notice us for sure!

Oh damn...

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