January 4, 2011

10 tips for the Successful Integration of Zombies in Human Society!

Ehm, hello? ... Is this things on...? Yes? Okay, there we go?

My fellow zombies, in the past year we clawed our way out of our earthy graves. We've stumbled across this world, looking for food, and our numbers have grown exponentially. And we can be proud of that. 

They may say we're mindless and, honestly, sometimes I look at us, and I think they're right. Our torn clothes and vacant stares certainly seemed to suggest that. And sometimes we aren't always as eloquent as we'd like to be. So for a successful coexistence of humans and zombies, we need to clean up our act. This is tantamount to our integration in normal society, people. So here are some tips:

1) Wear clean clothes. Don't stumble around this world in the same clothes you died in or even the same ones you wore yesterday! The bloodstains are horrible to look at and brains are really hard to get out in the wash. Besides, they smell. A new set of clothes might also help you cover up that nasty gun-shot wound in your belly.

2) Wash yourselves. Even if it's a little dip in the brook or even standing out in the rain. A little water never killed anyone. And while you're at it, take pride in your appearance. Use a comb every now and again, wipe that blood from your chin, use some make-up to hide those skin ruptures and pick the pieces of brain from your teeth. Honestly, it's disgusting sometimes. 

3) Help a fellow zombie. A society is judged by the way they take care of those less fortunate. If his legs are cut off with a chainsaw or he has a big hole in his chest from a shotgun, don't leave him there in the streets. Help him back on his feet, if he still has them. If he doesn't, ask him where he wants to go and carry them there. But always remember, one day it could be you laying there.

4) When conversing with humans, speak their language. Or at least try to. I've always found that people are more willing to speak to you if you speak at least a couple of words in their language. You will not get what you want by hollering 'brains, brains, brains!' all the time.

5) Be gentle, sometimes. Our appearance is off-putting as it is, even without throwing rudeness in the mix. So when you see an old lady trying to cross the street, don't crack her head open like a ripe melon and eat her brains. Help her. And maybe next time, they won't come after you with a hunting rifle. A little friendliness goes a long way.

6) Don't loiter out in the streets. We're not vagabonds, for crying out loud! Especially after dark. Find a house to relax in. There's enough empty ones out there since we came out. So why not try it for a change? Sit in a chair, kick your feet up, try the TV-thing, they seem to like it.

7) Clean up your mess, people, I can't stress this enough. People don't like to see their next of kin laying dead in the streets for weeks on end, all chewed up and spat out. They might be just food to you, but humans have feelings too. So be a little considerate and get them out of sight. As a functioning part of society, it's our job as well to keep the streets clean.

8) Find the evil ones. This'll take some time, but I really want you to try and put the effort in. Humans come in all shapes and sizes and some of them are more evil than a pack of starving vampires! Find those, hunt them down and eat their brains. People will thank you for it afterwards. And their brains are more juicier too.

9) Don't smudge the windows. Clawing and scratching won't help you get into a house and it might give off the wrong signal. Instead, wait patiently. If they are ready to come out, they will. People put a lot of pride in their house and smudging the windows or banging the doors constantly, might get them upset.

10) Try to have a decent conversation with each other. Reach out and touch a fellow zombie. This is two-fold. First of all, people seemed to be put off by guttural sounds or vacant, silent stares. Second, you might learn something useful. Humans have survived for thousands of years and have found countless ways to communicate with each other. Why not start with a simple 'How do you do?'

For the rest, we all hope you have a prosperous 2011. I hope you will apply some of these tips, if not all of them, in your day to day exploits. From all of us here at Zombie HQ, we wish you a happy new year and remember to stay away from the guy with the sniper rifle!
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