|My apologies, Laurence Stern (1713-1768)!|
First of all, why do you insist on being A Serious Writer? Why not use your real name?
You know, man. I don't want to label myself, you know. I'm, like, you know, a free spirit, one with the universal spirit. One morning I might wake up feeling like a Phil, you know, so I will be a Phil. Some other day, I'll be Joe and the day after that I'll be Ralph. And some days I'll be a John. You know, stop labelling me, man!
Fair enough. How would you describe your work to an audience that has never read it?
Deep, man, very deep. An audience that never read my work? How do you mean that exactly, because, you know, some people may already be familiar with my work through, you know, like, the universal train of thought. It's all out there, you know, all these... ideas... that I've had, they're not mine... you know... just... stuff...
Oookay, so where do you get your inspiration?
Everywhere, man! The truth can be everywhere, even in that cockroach right there, crawling up your chair, you know. It's all One Big Universe, One Big Thing that just sort of crawls and slithers and makes you think, you know. Like... all connected.
Your work has been described as 'non-sensical' and 'utter trash'. How do you feel about that?
You know, man, I am God, sometimes, because sometimes I'm the Devil and sometimes I'm just this Spirit in the Sky that sort of speaks through a maiden fair on a hilltop in a storm, you know. Nobody has to 'get' it, but it's out there.. you know, blowing in the wind... everything is just so... real... Maybe that's it: I'm just too real!
Your work is not very well known. Of your last book 'Molly went over to the counter and bought a container of milk and a popsicle' no copies were sold. How do you explain that?
My work is not for the masses, man! I don't cater to the prole... proletariat! My work is a window to the Soul of the Universe. The deep-seeded feelings of every human being on this planet, a Testament to the Human Condition throughout the ages! I am the Translator of the Will of the Universe, I speak of Planets and the Great Devourer of Worlds! I am The Man with the Tongue of an Angel and the Mind of the Common Man!
But the common man doesn't read your work.
I bet they would, man, I bet they would, if they would just, you know, stop filling their minds with mind-numbing commercials and game-shows and reality TV and fantasy books about little boys growing into wizards. When all of that drops away, you know, when they have nothing left but the bare minimum, when all entertainment has ceased, you know, then they'll read my book....
Who would you list as your greatest inspirations?
Oh man, that's so square! No man, I don't read other people's books. I keep my mind clean, you know, a Vessel for the Soul of the Universe. I don't want to poison my brain with, like, other people's shit.
Okay, I think that's all the time we have for today. Is there something you'd like to share with the people?
Yeah, man, just for them to, like, you know, Keep It Real. And to flush... every time... that shit is disgusting! Peace out.