June 15, 2011

Frustrated Vampire: We do NOT sparkle!

Frustrated Vampire says:

Hello yes? Are we good?

Okay, here we go.

So for generations on end us, vampires, have struck fear in the hearts of man! From the cold, wind-swept mountain tops of Transylvania until the exciting and bustling New World. And our encounters with the human world have been well documented. Personally, I've always loved to watch us lay waste to your kind! Even though the most documented cases you have are the ones where you always out-smart us. The pox on garlic and sunlight, I say!

But recently I've found, my race has been shown in a different light. Portraying us as lovely and courageous little creatures that won't immediately suck the life out of all the young ladies we meet. For crying out loud, we look like blobbering little teenagers!

Well, let me assure you, after a few hundred years of watching you mocking this planet up and fighting wars, you loose some of your sentimentality. We understand full well that we were put on God's green earth for one reason and one reason only: TO FEED OFF YOU!

And here and there might flare up some over-extravagant specimen of my race, donning a black cape and living in a fancy, albeit out of the way, piece of real estate, BUT even he understood that when the rumbling starts in the belly, you better stuff yourself with warm, pumping blood!

And so, let me set some things straight!

- We are not lovable!
- We don't care if you fall in love, we'll still eat ya'!
- We don't eat human food!
- We do not have children!
- We have no issues what-so-ever with drinking every drop of your delicious blood!
- We do not jump trees like some monkey!
- And worst of all, we DO NOT SPARKLE!

Believe me, people, sunlight is a direct threat to out existence and it should not be mocked! Soon you people won't even be afraid of us anymore! We already have scores of teenage girls clammering for our attention...

...and I got to say, thank you for that!

But still, I call upon the good people of Hollywood, USA to come up with more believeable vampires and soon...

On behave of vampires everywhere, thank you and sleep tight!

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