April 3, 2011

Sgt. Tough says: if you can still scream, it ain't so BAD!

Bunch of whining
maggots! Get your
garlic and stakes
in gear!
OH MAN! THESE GUYS ARE TOO MUCH! FRICKING WHINO'S ALL THE TIME. It's all I ever see! Sent one vampire or zombie their way and all they can do is sulk and moan about their miserable existence and their bad luck!

Before long they're hauled up in some abandoned farm or shopping mall, trying to act like nothing happened while the world in falling apart around them. ARGH! I would grab them sons-of-mothers and SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS! I didn't go through three wars and five minor conflicts to be bitten by one of these walking casualties!

I'd take my AK-47 and give them a good talking-to! Then I'd light me up one of my Cubans and wash my sweaty face in their BLOOD! That's what I would do! Like the man said: "I came to kick-ass and chew bubblegum! And I'm all out of bubblegum!"

And the same goes for these mother-kissing VAMPIRES! What is this with their angelic faces and good manners? THEY'RE EVIL BLOODSUCKERS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Now they're even sweet-talking our girls? What's the world coming to, I wonder.

If one of those would come up to my daughter and dare to make a pass at her, I'd show him who's boss. Maybe my trusty AK-47 won't work. And I don't go in for no hoity-toity crucifix or garlic, neither. A quick Bowie-knife straight through the heart would do the trick nicely, I'm sure. One for him and one for every member of his ancient, evil family! HAHAHA!

You know, men! This all reminds of the time I was sent behind enemy lines to enter this castle where they were doing God-knows-what. Had something to do with piecing together a human from corpses or something disgusting like that! I remember the kite high above the spiky tower and the whole score of monsters that came at me as I went up the spiral staircase. I could hear the demented laughter of the hunchback:
"He's coming, master, quickly now!"

Well, I gave them what was coming to them! Let him know who's BOSS. That's right! Mr. Tough isn't scared of nobody. Knee-deep in the dead I was and I still managed to KNOCK THEM DOWN! When I was through with them, there was NO CASTLE NO MORE! And as I swung to safety to the nearby treeline I could still hear the last thing that hunchback was saying:
"It's alive! ALIVE!"

Sometimes I still wake up screaming, hearing that. But I got the JOB DONE! And that's what counts!

So don't be a whining maggot, tough up, and make sure you're packing heat. If all else fails, shoot everyone and ask questions later. Let the good Lord sort them out, is what I always say!

Good Hunting!

Sgt. Tough!

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