February 4, 2011

11 tips for the Survival of the Human Species!

Okay, okay, we all have to stick together, right? Look out for each other, help your neighbour, etcetera. I mean, there's a lot of weird and dangerous stuff out there and we have to be careful if we want to have a fighting chance of survival. It's a jungle out there, right?

So, okay, I've put some things on paper that might just help us to get through our daily lives in this topsy-turfy world of ours. It's a small list of do's and don'ts which you can take to hard in order to be brutally mauled by some unspeakable monster or drained by some blood-sucking fiend or even hacked to pieces by some deranged human being! Of course, you are very welcome to add anything to the list you feel might be helpful.

1) First of all, pets. Be very aware of any loving Fifi's or Bello's that come back a few days after you buried them. Chances are, they aren't so loving anymore. Even when you encounter a completely different cat that has an uncanny resemblance to the one you hung from a tree a year ago. They simply cannot be trusted.

2) Be very aware of little girls that tell you're all going to die tonight. The same goes for little girls that are the only survivors of a village massacre. I don't care how cute they are in normal life, as soon as they get that green-faced look, get yourself near a crucifix or at the very least a gun with silver bullets.

3) Ladies, please, be very careful when your lover or husband intends to get frisky with you in those dark woods or close to an abandoned farmhouse. Even when you are alone. Tell him calmly that this might not be the best time or place for this. Honestly, it's up to you, because, let's be frank, men DO only think of one thing. 

4) Men, be very aware of any voluptuous, pretty women who come on too strong. Especially when they are shrouded in a strange, green mist and bring their even prettier sisters/friends. Tell them kindly, thanks but no thanks and bolt like your pants are on fire. Even though you might think your wildly attractive to the opposite sex, really, you are NOT.

5) A mob of slow-moving, empty-gazed undead should never be approached. Not even if they reach out their arms for you. Lock yourself in a house with a group of other people and make sure they speak, before letting them in. One of them will probably try to overthrow your frankly, dictatorial reign over the small group of survivors, so deal with him as quickly as possible. 

6) If your village gets cut off from the normal world by a strange and invisible force field, do not choose the side of the first one who loudly exclaims to have a survival strategy. You, and every other villager, are very apt to end up in the cellar under the police station. Instead, choose the side of the lonely stranger with the mysterious past. Believe me, you'll live longer, and if you don't, at least you'll have a clear conscience.

7) Odd, old fishermen yelling:'Yog-Shottoth!' should always be approached with extreme caution! Especially if they have scaly, fish-like skin.

8) Ancient books
bound in leather should never be read out loud on nights with a full moon.

9) If you go out at night to investigate a strange noise, just go ahead. It's the way Mother Nature weeds out the smart from the less intelligent in our society.

10) Girls, please, do NOT fall in love with those mysterious guys in your class that wear sunglasses all the time and look like they could really use some sun. You might not die, but you'll find yourself caught in the middle of an age-old feud. Really, it's not worth it.

11) Don't trust your lover if he/she disappears once a month for the entire night and comes back with torn clothes. Believe me, cheating is the last of your worries.

Okay, people, as long as we keep this in mind, we should be fine. So when you go to bed tonight, check under the bed, in the closet and behind the curtains. And whatever you do, do not look into the mirror and say Candyman three times, as so often happens.

Keep Safe!


James Killick said...

Love this post - humourous and well written, but also a great run-down of classic horror story set-ups.

Marcel Admiraal said...

Thx for the comment! I try my best...


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