March 13, 2011

The Mucus Man Sayeth: There's a little mucus inside all of us!

There's no justice like
Angry Mob Justice!
-The Simpsons-

It's with a heavy heart that I write this open invitation to you. For while you are gathering outside with pitchforks and torches, yelling for my untimely demise, nooses a-knotted and kitchen knifes a-sharpened, my heart grows weary with despair. DESPAIR for what the rest of the night might bring for me. It might well be I do not make until the morning, especially if this plea falls on deaf ears.

I know I might be too horrible to behold! I know my countenance strikes you as disgusting and unhygienic. I leave tissues everywhere I go, my nose is swollen and red, my eyes bloodshot and when I sneeze, there's a good chance I turn everyone of you into the same blobbering mess I am today. For, do not be mistaken, I POSSESS THAT POWER!

But forget not, dear humans, that I have hidden myself in this house for the past five days. Forget not, that I have not ventured out into the world, I have not been among you, since this horrible transition has befallen me, this primeval curse! The Internet and television, oh those wonderful devices, have been my only links to the outside world as I am left to the mercy of my only caretaker, the only one who seemingly understands my current situation, my wonderful girlfriend. And I have chosen to be in this seclusion with only one goal in mind, and I hope you'll find it a noble goal and that is TO MAKE SURE THIS CURSE STOPS WITH ME!

I have no wish for world domination, I do not want to turn you all into the same zombie-like creatures that I have now become and I most certainly DO NOT WANT YOUR CHILDREN! I will not stalk the streets in the middle of the night, preying upon hapless teenagers making out in the park, just to sneeze on them and turn them into my own. I do not stalk the shadows outside your bedroom window waiting for the last light to turn out, before I enter and do my horrible business. And I do not go out into the world to search for others of my kind!

I just want to be left alone, to be left in peace with my predicament. I hope you will grant me this privilege. I do not need your pity, your compassion or your fruit baskets (although the occasional apple would be nice, Granny Smith's, if you please). I merely ask you to return to your homes, your wives and your children. Put down your pitchforks and stop yelling for my death, for I will tell you something that you should already know:

DO NOT BE MISTAKEN! I was not always like this. Once I loved, once I cried and laughed, I bled red just like the rest of you, FOR ONCE, EVEN I WAS HUMAN!

This is my cross to bear, this horrible affliction, and maybe I brought it on myself and maybe that's the biggest curse of all. But please, leave me alone to whither in my dwelling. Put down your implements of murder and your kitchen utensils and YOU WILL BE SPARED! For if you do not, MY VENGEANCE WILL BE BOTH HORRIBLE AND MESSY! Turn back, humans. Hark, your children are crying for their parents!

And thus I bid thee farewell.

For ever yours,

Marcel 'the Mucus Man' Admiraal

Caption taken from the Simpsons Episode 'Bart after Dark' as uttered by Seymour Skinner, Principal of Springfield Elementary. Picture apparently comes from Magic: the Gathering cards.

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